Self determination is a funny thing. Internally the person is fighting, struggling, aspiring to be something, someone, or go somewhere; externally, though, who could tell? Is it noticeable? Sometimes I think not. That silent invisibility is what pushed me to write today. I've been wanting to write a personal blog for some time, but never had the courage or the words to follow through. Today that silence stops.
We all struggle with something in life. None of us go untouched by the influences of others, our experiences or our surroundings. I tend to let things bother me far too often and for far too long. For instance, there are some people in my life that are toxic. I put all of my heart, effort, and trust into new relationships and people but in the end tend only to be hurt by those people.
Being hurt by people is a funny thing. Slowly it deteriorates a person's self confidence and their trust in others, even those people who have done nothing wrong. The rippling effect toxic people have on us is unparalleled in most other aspects of our social world [with exception of bitter divorces, but that's a different dynamic]. I brave uncomfortable situations with a smile on my face and usually I make out fairly well, at least that's how it appears to the outside world. Those intimate relationships that I hold close to my heart know differently. Usually, though, I eventually cut the virulent people out of my life. It is this ability that both blesses and curses me. Sometimes I am too quick to cut people out and sometimes I do not act soon enough, which leads to more pain and less faith in the good people.
However, there is a sunny side for everything... isn't the saying find the good in all that is bad or there is a reason everything happens? I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that I have willfully fought to keep viral people in my life and stupidly pushed genuine people out of my life. That is something I have thought about for a long time. However, my problem now is simply not having a choice to push somebody out. See, that's the difference. I chose to push people or keep people, but now I'm stuck with some people. It is a horribly suffocating dilemma and after years of smiling and putting up with unrefined comments and rudeness I feel like I am about to burst.
I hate two people in my life. I am not proud to admit that I have hate inside of me, but these two people are miserable souls only living to hurt and abuse others. I pray for one of these individuals, particularly that he/she finds happiness and stops being so miserable. I pray that I can find the courage and strength to get through experiences with this person with grace and tolerance. While my prayers of strength and courage always, ALWAYS get me through those tough times, I fear that my prayers for the individual go unanswered... but only because the person does not want to change.
Hurt people, who go without help, will always hurt other people. I feel sorry for this person. I refuse to be around this person anymore and I know it will have a rippling effect - one that I am not prepared to face. Life is sometimes too complicated!
C'est la Vie,
Mel
